Signs Of Manipulative Individual

 

Manipulation, subtle or outright, occurs all the time. It can happen when you buy a car, when you fight with your partner, or when your demanding boss asks you to take on another task at work. That's why it's so important to be able to spot the signs someone is manipulating you, as it can ultimately save you some drama and stress.

Psychological manipulation — which occurs when a person is exploiting a victim to serve their own agenda — can be a sign of an emotionally abusive relationship. This can be a lot more difficult to spot than a physically abusive one. “To understand manipulation, we have to explore the difference between negotiation and manipulation,” Nicole Richardson, LPC-S, LMFT-S, a licensed marriage and family therapist, tells Bustle. “In negotiation, there is a give and take, where with manipulation it is typically one person's needs or agenda prioritized over that of the other person.” It can be tough to recognize signs of manipulation, particularly when you’re unsure about your own wants and needs in a given situation.

Being the victim of manipulation doesn't feel good, whether it's by a friend, family member, or partner. So, to help prevent it and get the support you need, keep an eye out for these signs of a manipulative person.

1. They Guilt Trip You

Since manipulation is all about being powerful, a manipulative person will do anything they can to keep you feeling confused and weak. Oftentimes, they do this by scrambling your brain with weird apologies and guilt. “Someone who is seeking to put their agenda over your needs, will want you to feel guilty about disappointing them,” Richardson explains. “They may twist your words around or assign negative characteristics to you in order to make you feel guilty for setting a boundary.” Since it gets messy, the manipulator often comes out on top of the argument — right where they want to be.

“This is an example of gaslighting, a behavior that gets the recipient to doubt themselves and question their reality,” Anita Chlipala, a licensed marriage and family therapist, tells Bustle. “Blaming you, making you feel bad, and getting you to wonder what really did happen allows the manipulator to control the narrative.” Gaslighting is considered a form of verbal abuse.

2. They Ignore Your Input

In order to get their way, a manipulative person may sneakily — and conveniently — assume you agree with everything they say. “We all can project our assumptions onto people and situations, that's human,” notes Richardson. However, “someone who is seeking to manipulate you will try to confuse you and tell you that you did say or do something to validate their point of view,” she says, explaining that a person who is not trying to manipulate you will be willing to listen to you when you say you disagree.

Chlipala adds that manipulators will often get what they want by exploiting your memory. They might say, for example, “You don’t remember this conversation? You always did have a bad memory.” She explains, “By pretending that an agreement or decision was made, a manipulator gets their way without a conversation and without having to compromise.”

3. They Don't Give You Time To Make Decisions

Unless you are in the middle of a heist or other time-sensitive situation, there is usually time to think things through before making a big decision. Be wary of people who pressure you for an answer, especially if money is involved. “Outside of situations that are life-threatening, you should be able to sleep on a decision or even have a day or two to do your own due diligence [and] thinking,” explains Richardson. “It is a very common sales tactic to put deadlines on decisions to get you to act.”

By putting the pressure on you, the potential manipulator is hoping you’ll crack and bend to their will. But Richardson also points out that many of us would put off decisions indefinitely if we could. “We have to remember that we don't have forever to make a decision, but a day or two shouldn't ruin your chances at things.” What matters most is that you feel respected to make a decision within the allotted time.

4. They Don't Help Resolve Problems

Unresolved arguments are common in an unhealthy relationship, mostly because they are pretty convenient for whoever is getting their way (i.e. the manipulator). While chronic problems can happen in healthy relationships too, “manipulation comes into play when each partner's needs and point of view are not valued as equally as the other's,” says Richardson.

In a healthy relationship, both partners will listen to each other and be willing to compromise. A manipulator will have a “my way or the highway” attitude about it, as Chlipala puts it. “It’s common to then just give up what you want because you don’t want the fight or the headache of dealing with a person who won’t listen to you and what you need,” she adds.

5. They Undermine Your Self-Confidence

This form of manipulation is classic, because no one is more malleable than someone with zero confidence. That's why manipulators will do whatever they can to knock you down and make you feel less-than. “We see this with negging,” says Richardson, the practice of giving backhanded compliments to increase the other person’s need for approval.

“When someone wants you to prove your value to them, run,” Richardson advises. “If someone doesn't see you as an equal who is deserving of their value and respect, then they do not deserve your value and respect. If someone feels as though they have to make you feel less-than in order to gain power over you, they will try to control and manipulate you.” If this person really cares for you, their interest will be in lifting you up, not knocking you down.